TPR’s Red Nose Blog

Funny Ha Ha!!

Posted on: March 10, 2009

israel-125year-old-man-laughing

Did you hear the one about the man with no teeth? Hilarious!

On the night, as a way of keeping the atmos jolly and light, we’d like you to submit jokes and funnies.

Nothing rude or offensive please and well have prizes for any that make us split our sides or even raise a smile.

You can either send them via the comments section here or tell it to your team leader and we’ll get them posted.

Here’s one to get the ball rolling –

John Peel dies, goes to heaven (naturally) and is met by Kurt Cobain at the gates to the kingdom. Kurt shows him around and introduces him to Buddy Holly, Marvin Gaye and Jimi Hendrix when JP spots a small guy in the corner wearing rap around shades and mouthing off about politics.

‘I didn’t realize Bono had kicked the bucket’ says John. ‘No, no that’s not Bono’ replies Kurt. ‘That’s God. He just thinks he’s Bono!’ Ta-da!!!!!

Cheers

Ade

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47 Responses to "Funny Ha Ha!!"

3 jokes for you!

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.. I thought, ‘That’s Aboriginal.’

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bi-satchel.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.’

Very good – they all made me smile, especially 1 and 3!!

2 more…

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them ‘Can I have a skip outside my house?’ He said, ‘I’m not stopping you!’ 

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, ‘Nearest the bull goes first’ He went ‘Baah’ and I went ‘Moo’ He said ‘You’re closest’

I think you deserve a prize for that little lot

Paul has already been the recipient of a CD for his set of jokes so don’t be shy!!

JUST told to me by tech man Al –

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler!! Ta-da!!!!!

How do you get an irishmen onto a roof?

Tell him the drinks are on the house

An Irish Man, Scotish Man and and English Man walk into a bar…. Barman says “whats this… some sort of joke?!!”

How much is Cockney shampoo?

….

Pantene…

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

…..

It was dead!

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

…..

It was holding on to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

….

He thought they were playing a game!

heard this on radio 1 today:

what did the cow with the cold say

boo!!!

A man was arrested in Oxford w**king over the beano… The police said that they would let him off, it was all for comic relief (!)

why did the fruit pastel want to go to school?
because he wanted to be a smartie……

Why did the chicken cross the road? to get to the other side :0) hee hee hee

y was 6 scared of 7?
because 7 8 9…

What is E.T. Short for?!?
….
….
….
…..
…….
…….
……….

Because he has little legs!

whats black, floats and shouts “knickers”?

Crude Oil

whats black, floats and shouts “underwear”?

Refined Oil

What has two legs and flies?

A pair of trousers….

Q Two teddies in the airing cupboard, which one is in the army?

A. The one on the tank.

What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
A woolly jumper!

Everyone should be aware there has been robberies in the area, however, the robber has only been taking food….

…. the police have said that it is probably just SNACKheads!

What did the O say to the 8?
nice belt

Three women sat in a cafe, first woman said “i’m having a boob job”, second woman said “i’m having my t**t bleached”, third woman said “I can’t imagine your husband with blonde hair”!

How does an Oxford University student unscrew a light bulb?

He/she holds on to the lightbulb while the rest of the world revolves around him/her

Genius!

two irishmen – 1 digging a hole the other filling it in, after 6 holes a woman asks “why are you digging a hole and the other one filling it in?” Paddy replies “there are usually three of us but the one that plants the trees phoned in sick today”

A man walked into a bar.

Ouch.

hhhheeelloooooo iiiiissss tttthiiss tttthhhee oooowwnner oooff theeeeee sssssshhoooppp tttthhhhat iiiiiii gggoott ttthe vvvvvibrator frrrrrooom? hhhhowww ddddooo yyyyyooouuu tttttuurrnnn iiiiiitttt ooooooofffffffff????

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: “AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!”

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won’t be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: “This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch.”
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, “That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch.”

So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.

The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, “Now this is forty-year old Scotch!” The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.

An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, “Here, take a swig of this.”

The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. “My God! That tastes like piss,” he yells.

“Great guess,” says the drunk. “Now, how old am I?”

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To see his flat mate!

man walks into doctors
he said doc I fell like a curtain
well pull yourself together!!

Why is the sand wet?

Because the sea wee’d!!!!!

whats black white and red?
newspaper!!

What is Mr T from the A Teams’ favourite yoghurt?…

(Said in a Mr T accent) Ah Petits Filous

What do you get for standing under a cow?

A pat on the head.

visiting dublin recently a taxi driver remarked on the state of the banking crisis: “soon all the banks in Ireland will have gone bust, then the only Bank we will be left with is the Sperm Bank…and even that will be run by W*nkers!…

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the shell station!!

4 Teddys were in the airing cupboard.
Which one was in the army? ……………..

the one on the TANK!!

Dont talk about the flintstones in Dubai – they don’t get our humour
Abudabi do!!

You’ll need your mobile phone for this one…

Have you ever wondered why you feel so bad after drinking vodka?

Try typing the word smirnoff into predictive text on your phone!

Ha, ha – I’ve JUST done this. Very apt!!

michael jackson has just announced extra dates for his uk tour. they are joey, aged 5, Bob, aged 7 and dave 6…

Not sure I should’ve kept this one on – oh, what the hell it’s Jacko!!

two fish are in a tank when one turns to the other and says “how do you drive this thing?”

U2 was performing at a charity concert in Ireland. Bono began a slow clap in front of the vast crowed who started to join in.

He then began to explain that every time he clapped, a child in Africa died of starvation. Paddy then piped up “well stop clapping then!”

Why didnt the skeleton go to the party???

cause he had nobody to go with 😉

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  • None
  • comicrelieftpr: Ha, ha - I've JUST done this. Very apt!!
  • Michelle Ellis: Ah Lewis - How are we going to ever forget your shorts :0) shame we didn't get the odd socks in this though :0) lol :0) Great night Guys :0)
  • comicrelieftpr: The word's scurrilous mate :-)

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